In last week’s blog post we looked at the prevalence of self-confidence issues, and discussed some of the common tactics used to cover up these insecurities. The majority of people struggle with self-confidence issues at point in their lives; luckily developing a stronger, authentic self-confidence is something everybody can work towards. Before you can work on developing your self-confidence however, it’s important to understand the difference between false confidence and authentic confidence.
False Confidence
Many seemingly successful people lack sensitivity to what is authentic confidence vs. hubris. At work, some of us become skilled at projecting “executive presence” and self-assurance. Our ability to influence others depends on coming across as secure, knowledgeable, and an expert in our field. We walk around trying to convince others we’re confident, competent, and trustworthy.
Yet a large part of that is done in an effort to convince ourselves—to override that little voice inside that whispers “not good enough,” or “imposter,” or “maybe they won’t notice it’s not perfect.” We need to sort out authentic self-beliefs from left-over childhood scripts, and be aware of when we’re compensating by buying into our own press releases.
Self-doubt and lack of self-confidence is pervasive and universal yet few of us admit to our insecurities (unless to our executive coach in private, and even then, guardedly). It forms in early childhood, during those formative first six years.
“Impatient parents, critical siblings, inept teachers all can turn the impressionable and moldable young child into someone lacking the basic tools for confidence. Yet this doesn’t condemn us. It just means we have to develop the required attributes for confidence as adults.”
– Robert Kelsey, What’s Stopping You Being More Confident? (Capstone 2012)
Authentic Confidence
Authentic self-confidence is defined by your ability to trust in your capabilities, intelligence, and sense of judgement. There’s a certain sense of peace within a person when they are authentically confident – gone is that need to doubt, second guess, and look to others for validation. Authentic self-confidence takes time to develop, and is more uncommon than you might think.
Even leaders don’t necessarily possess this self-confidence. Leaders often lack authentic self-confidence; instead, they cling to status symbols in an effort to prove their worth. In fact, many over-achievers are driven to suppress inner fears by outwardly proving to the world they are worthy. Over-confidence often stems from self-doubt and insecurities. It doesn’t make the lack of self-confidence go away. It is a fragile substitute that crumbles with criticism and mistakes.
Lack of self-confidence thrives on negative self-talk and messages that tell us we’re no good or not good enough. Such negative messages sabotage our best intentions when we give in to it. But then when we don’t give in to it, when we try to deny its existence, we end up over-confident, over-promising to others, and inauthentic. This isn’t a Catch-22. As experienced self-doubters, we get really good at covering up insecurities, but the smarter approach is to own them and work with them.
I hope this week’s blog post has helped to give you a clearer understanding of the differences between false and authentic confidence, so you can now move towards developing a greater authentic self-confidence. As always I would love to hear from you, I can be reached here or on LinkedIn.
